'Why didn't you leave sooner': how victims of domestic violence answer the most painful question

The most common question that is asked to victims of domestic violence is: “Why didn’t you leave (left) earlier?” It is difficult for people who have not gone through this themselves to understand why a person endures humiliation or even physical violence. That's why New York City Hall has launched a campaign that highlights domestic violence from the point of view of survivors. They answer painful questions about the topic and explain to others how it happens.

Below is an interview with two women, Caroline and Yuko, who have experienced domestic violence and found the strength to leave the abuser.

Why did you leave?

Caroline: I was insulted all the time. Living with my abuser was like walking on eggshells. I never knew at what point he would become furious. But when my little twins were in danger, I knew it was time to leave. I didn't want my children to suffer the abuse that I experienced. I felt like I couldn't live like this anymore.

Yuko: I endured for a long time. I have been married to my abuser for 28 years. The point of no return was a quarrel between our 17-year-old son and his father, which ended with the use of physical force. The Child Protective Services (ACS) intervened in the case, its employees strongly recommended that my son and I get away from the offender.

On the subject: How to Protect Against Domestic Violence in New York: Useful Websites and Resources

What kept you in a relationship with an abuser? Why didn't you leave earlier?

Caroline: I kept hoping that he would change. When I gave birth to twins, I thought that small children would change him. Also, I didn't want to go back to my parents' house because my father was abusive to me.

Yuko: At first, I expected him to turn back into the nice guy he was when we met. Later it became clear that there would be no more Nice Guy, so I started thinking about leaving. But when I explained to my then little son that after the divorce he would have to spend some time alone with his father visiting his father, he turned to stone and begged me not to leave him alone with his father.

What was it like for you after you left?

Caroline: I felt relieved: I no longer had to hide the bruises and be afraid that he would destroy the house because of some little thing that I forgot to do. I no longer had to deal with an angry drunk man. The downside of leaving was loneliness and many financial difficulties.

Yuko: In a short period of time, I had to file a lot of paperwork with the ACS, the police, the criminal court, and so on. When the initial excitement and formalities were over, my son and I enjoyed life without the abuser. It was wonderful: I no longer had to worry about being yelled at. Care cons? I can't think of anything. Well, maybe it's financial and housing insecurity. But for me, this is a very small price to pay for freedom.

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What to do if you are a victim of domestic violence in New York

Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. There are many resources to help you get through the crisis:

• Find helpful resources and support for victims of domestic violence in New York at NYC HOPE catalog.
• Family Justice Centers New Yorkers help in a shelter for victims of violence, as well as provide psychological counseling by phone or in person. Call the number 311 and ask to be connected to the nearest Family Justice Center. If you do not have secure phone access, you can simply come to one of the centers without an appointment.
• Call the XNUMX/XNUMX Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).
• In an emergency, call 911.